(A script for an instructional video series)
References: see ’How to Dad’ instructional videos on Facebook, or ‘Modern Family’, or ‘Parks and Recreation’.
Background idea: Trainee (praktikanten) has won the opportunity to train with The Team for a few weeks and maybe join a race. (What is the end game? – does she run in a race? A real one? Or a made up one?)
Trainee: older, round person, with minimal athletic skills, loads of enthusiasm. Dresses in colourful gear. Gets into lots of awkward situations. Says inappropriate things. Doesn’t talk Danish, and no one understands her English. (Does Trainee talk? Or just do weird stuff?)
The Team: (superhero nick names, because they really are quite amazing athletes.)
Michael: (He redefines superhero) The boss, sets the programme, has a stop watch, gives directions, organises the team, can whistle like a back country farmer. Often perplexed by the outcome of the activities.
Wolverine: Showboat. Cheeky smile. Subject of Trainee Bob’s affection, which makes him very uncomfortable, but he tolerates it.
Dr Banner: a bear of a man, a gentle giant, always in the right place to catch/help Trainee if necessary.
Thor: amiable playmate for Trainee, eg happy to build sand castles in the sand obstacles.
Interviewer/camera person: may or may not be needed for every set.
Rules of engagement: The team never makes fun of Trainee. They are always professional and helpful, full of encouragement and do everything correctly. Promoting OCR as open for everyone, where anyone can have a go, where we help each other. The comedy is situational, and in the huge contrasts between The Team members and Trainee. (Is it in Danish? Are there subtitles?)
- Introductions (Haven’t figured this one out completely yet)Setting: Gym functional fitness room, Crossfit space…
Interviewer: So, Michael, introduce us to the The Team!
Michael: Ok, so this is blah blah (introduction to the guys and their credits)… (to the camera) And here is a relative of mine Wolverine, (to Wolverine) and you found our trainee…
Wolverine: (with a bashful Trainee on his arm) Yeah, she was chatting to all the guys on the weights racks. They couldn’t understand anything she was saying, I think they were quite happy that I collected her. A warning: She gets a bit handsy guys, so just watch yourselves…
Wolverine positions Trainee on a box and goes to sit beside Thor. Trainee manoeuvres Thor onto the other box or the floor, and sits beside Wolverine. She then takes his arm and drapes it over her shoulders and cuddles in, very satisfied. Wolverine looks horrified.
Michael: OK, today we’re talking about what to wear. You must be comfortable enough to have full movement of your joints, cool if the weather is hot, but warm if it’s cold…
Michael removes Wolverine from the clutches of Trainee and uses him as a demonstration model for the sorts of attire that you could wear.
Trainee: (interrupting, pointing to Wolverine) They’re some sexy trousers that he has on. Won’t they distract the competition?
Michael: (to the camera) We use every advantage, but generally speaking we are focussed on our own performance and not the other guy’s trousers.
Trainee: I’d call those trousers ‘motivation pants!’ Motivation for me to go faster and catch up! Do they shrink in the cold water? That could get really interesting.
Michael: No, they don’t shrink in cold water.
Michael: Anyway, shoes!
Trainee: I LOVE shoes!
Michael: (discussion on shoes…)
Michael: So, Trainee, will you be joining is for the next training session?
Trainee: If he’s in those trousers, you bet!
- How to train: Warming up
(Haven’t figured this one out, ideas coming…)
- How to train: endurance, carrying heavy stuff
Michael is talking to an interviewer, they are seated on the stack of pallets.
Interviewer: We’re here today at Træen I den fri, So what are we training today?
Michael: Today is endurance. People don’t usually like this aspect of training, but it’s necessary. One should be able to run around the race course, and that could be on any terrain, so it’s good to practice. To make it a bit more fun, we’re playing a giant game of hide and seek. Trainee is ‘it’. Her job is to find the others and bring them back to base. She’s looking for Wolverine at the moment. She managed to find the other two, although I’m not sure how she did that so quickly? I think she might have bribed them…
Cut to short shot of Thor and Dr Banner with 6-packs of beer (or energy drinks or energy bars) comparing them to their own 6 packs, they try to hide the beers (or drinks or bars).
Cut to far-shot of Trainee carrying Wolverine on her shoulder across the field to base.
Michael: oh, there she is…
Trainee: GOT HIM! I’M GONNA TAKE HIM HOME NOW
Interviewer: What’s she up to?
Michael: I’m not sure… but he doesn’t look very happy
Cut to Wolverine’s panicked face as Trainee heads of towards the exit/carpark with him.
Michael: Guess I’d better rescue him… (but he makes no attempt to move)
Interviewer: How are you going to do the rescuing without moving?
Michael: Secret weapon. (he pulls a bar of chocolate out of his pocket) She can hear this noise from miles away. (He waves it in the air, and sure enough, Trainee becomes alert. She throws Wolverine onto the ground and comes charging towards the chocolate.)
Michael: now this is the tricky part… You don’t want to get caught with the chocolate bar.
He throws the bar to Thor and shouts ‘RUN’
Thor panics and juggles it like a hot potato ‘WHAT? No way!’ and throws it to Dr Banner
Dr Banner, also panicking: ‘I don’t want it! That thing’s dangerous!
He throws it behind a pile of something, Trainee gets to it and there are loud eating noises, much like a Tasmanian Devil.
Wolverine appears rubbing his head. ‘Took you long enough.’
Michael: You owe me a chocolate bar.
Wolverine: I never carry chocolate bars now. Far too dangerous.
Dr Banner: (talking to Michael) You’re brave having that chocolate bar on your person. We know what happened to you the last time she thought you had chocolate…’
Thor: Yeah, she thought she saw you hide it in your trousers, and she went in there looking for it.
Dr Banner: And then she thought she’d found it, but it was attached (they all cringe and make pained noises)
Thor: And she was so disappointed when she figured out that it wasn’t a chocolate bar.
Dr Banner: It took ages for you to get back to your normal self.
Thor: And your girl wasn’t very happy. She missed out on terrific Tuesday,
Dr Banner: whoopty Wednesday
Wolverine: Thunder Thursday
Dr Banner: Freaky Friday
Thor: satisfying Saturday
Wolverine: Slow it down Sunday
Dr Banner: AND More Fun Monday
Michael: (a bit embarrassed) Um, she’s right there guys (pointing to the camera, girly giggles from behind the camera…)
Wolverine: (shaking his head, reflecting on the situation) Too dangerous man, just too dangerous.
Message: Just get the training done, Find a motivating reason and then get it done!
Side message: always have snacks ready to quell the hangry beast.
- How to train: strength? (ideas coming…)
- How to train: balance
While Trainee does a lot of plank, Michael does a lot of stuff really fast in the background while he’s supposed to be watching the stopwatch… hand stands, push ups on one arm, swinging on bars, balancing stuff, and checking Trainee with the toe of his shoe…
Message: practice, practice, practice…
- How to train: grip? (ideas coming…)
Message: practice, practice, practice
- How to train: Many training modes are useful, mix it up, be open to all sorts of ideas, even zumba.
Michael arrives to training and is horrified to find everyone dancing to latin music. He stops them all and sends them outside, and they all go to leave. Just as Trainee passes him to leave the room, he catches her arm, looks around to make sure that no one is watching, and they dance a few quick steps before they exit.
Message: Never miss an opportunity for extra balance practice and core training!
- Safety around the course (watch your step)
Michael: You must be aware of what’s happening around you on the course. Know where the dangers are.
Trainee is walking passed the pit wall and she waves a greeting
Michael: (waving) WATCH OUT! (Pointing to the danger)
Trainee falls over the edge (while it looks like she does fall over the edge, the camera pans up before she hits the ground as Michael runs over to see what has happened, so it only looks like she fell over the wall)
Camera picks up the action as Michael looks over the edge to find Trainee in the arms of Dr Banner, who caught her. Thumbs up all round!
Michael to the camera: Yes, he is THAT strong! It’s hard to believe… (to the camera) However, YOU’re not going to have a Dr Banner to rescue you, so, for goodness sake, be careful around the course!
(Another option is that Trainee has landed on top of Dr Banner and flattened him, and she jumps up to greet Michael
Trainee: I’m fine, Boss! Not hurt!
Michael: That’s great, but what about Dr Banner?
Trainee helps Dr Banner up, he’s a bit dazed, but gives a thumbs up,
Dr Banner: I’m fine… I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus, but I’ll be OK…
Michael to the camera: Yes, he is THAT strong! It’s hard to believe… but, for goodness sake, be careful around the course!
- What to eat.
Today we are talking about how to feed yourself for training. Everyone has brought along their favourite snack.
Thor: blah blah blah about snack that he recommends
Dr Banner: blah blah blah
Michael: blah blah blah
Wolverine: blah blah blah
Trainee: Banana. And I keep it here. (proceeds to put it in her pants)
Michael: What are you doing that for?
Trainee: That’s what he does! (Pointing at Wolverine.)
Michael: um, that’s not a banana.
Trainee: oh (disbelieving). Oh (comprehension). Oh (interest, raised eyebrows).
Cut to Wolverine who has his shaking head in his hands.
Trainee: (raised hand like in the classroom) And if you want to bulk up, you’re asking the right person! Put peanut butter on EVERYTHING! Well not your girlfriend, or at least you should ask her first. That sounds like fun, but it’s just messy.
Michael: (slightly uncomfortable) Um, Thanks for that. (To the camera) Anyway, eat up people! You need fuel for the race.
- Monkey bars (value: we help each other)
Michael gives instruction about different techniques of swinging, and there is general discussion about preferred methods. Michael appoints Trainee to catcher duty. And they head off to practice.
Dr Banner: (quietly) but we don’t need a catcher.
Michael: I know, but it gives her something to do, and I think she might actually be able to help if you did fall.
Traineetaks a great interest in how Wolverine is managing his monkey bar practice, and manages to be a nuisance trying to help him down, even though he doesn’t need it.
And then it is Trainee’s turn. She climbs up, and it takes all 4 of them to get her safely through one section. (I can’t visualise this yet…)
Message: Wolverine: When you’re on the course, be prepared to help, and to be helped.
- Irish table: (value: we help each other)
Demonstration of techniques. Trainee tries, but it isn’t good. She gets hoisted onto the table and hangs on for dear life. And then she is coaxed over the other side, hanging from her hips, then ribs, boobs and then onto the ground. Kisses the ground. Remains in foetal position.
Thor: (to the camera) Give it a go! Be prepared to help each other.
- High rope net climb (value: we cheer each other on)
Michael gives instruction about getting over the net. Trainee cheers everybody over the high net, but then it is her turn. The team is randomly hanging and sitting on the ropes and they start saying ‘Your turn!’ ‘Up and over!’ (Camera angle from the top of the rope net) She looks horrified and runs off. As they watch her attempt to escape:
Wolverine: Where is she going?
Dr Banner: I think she said that she has chocolate in her bag.
Thor: who’s going to go and get her? No one really wants to get between her and chocolate…
Michael: give her a bit of a head start, then we’ll go round her up, this can be her endurance training today… OK, that’s far enough, you two go that way, we’ll go this way, and we’ll bring her back here.
Cut to fast sequence of Trainee being herded back to the rope net (like Benny Hill chase scenes). Eventually they are all at the base, and then they get Trainee over the top.
Dr Banner to finish with a statement about give it a go, you will face some fears, but just do it!
- Walls and pits, sand and mud (sometimes we get dirty, sometimes we get wet)
Today we’re going to learn about getting up, over and down a wall.
(# I can’t find the pre-story connection for this one, but somehow they end up talking around a fire or something, doing a kind of wrap-up feed-back session of the day, discussing how dirty they got…)
Thor: Yeah my socks are a mess, I need to soak them overnight. And my shoes will need a scrub too.
Dr Banner: I managed to slide down the hill on the grass and I have some grass stains that I’ll have to take care of when I get home… Do you guys have any suggestions for grass stain removal? (discussion about detergents and washing methods)
Wolverine: I managed to get some mud up my back from running so fast around the track…
Michael: I managed to get completely wet when we were out in the water, but I’ll just rinse my clothes in some fresh water and they should dry off OK… What about you Trainee?
Camera pans to Trainee, who is mud from top to toe, she fell into a mud pit somehow and now she is like a human mud popsicle. She spits out a gob of mud, and mumbles:
Trainee: I’m fine, Might just dry off a bit before I catch the bus…
Thor: Remember to pack some big plastic bags in your kit for training and race day, and some extra bottles of water for rinsing; you never know what kind of mess you will be in at the end. But Have fun!
- Tarzan swing (ideas coming…)
- First aid (ideas coming…)
- Hair care:
Knowing that you’re looking good always helps your performance, so take a couple of moments to think about your appearance. (Initially a tense and uncomfortable discussion about personal hair care for men… It’s a short discussion, because there isn’t anything to talk about, quite literally for some of them!.)
Guys, at some point you may find yourself with a lady friend on the course, and she gets her hair messed up. You need to know how to put it back together…
Cut to competition of guys fixing hair braids and ponytails on their girls.
- A new type of obstacle: Sensitivity training.
Cut to guys on a course coming to a station in the race. There is an upset woman that they have to calm down before they can go on.
Discussion about who has the most experience with women, ie how many years of training albeit with a single test subject or partner, but how this conflicts with keeping that specific test subject or partner happy by not getting into compromising positions with other women/people. Conclusion that they send in the single guy, but he needs lots of instruction before he goes… Various options include taking flowers, chocolates, cake, coffee, (poking her with a stick to see what kind of sad she is displaying is discarded as an idea), patting her on the shoulder, apologising outright for being male, (add other ideas here). Eventually the single guy is sent in and manages to placate the situation!
Comments like: that was hard, man. Not sure if I could have done that.